Posted by: Stephanie | September 26, 2010

Restlessness

I’ve been a bundle of emotions lately.

Mississippi River 2007As the leaves change in Minnesota, I long for cool, crisp walks around the lakes reflecting the colors of autumn. Other times, such as the other night, I fell asleep thinking about the future (don’t do before bed!) and my last thought before falling asleep was “Will I ever have the courage to leave Turkey?”

I love the people, I love the land, I love it. Just like I love Minnesota. I realized the differences between being scared to go to something unknown and being scared to leave what you love, what you know. I think I always have the second fear, never the first.

And sometimes I question why we came here in the first place. I love it, but what is happening? The Celtic Daily Prayer Aidan reading for today includes this:

How many times a day do I say,

‘Why am I here,

What here can stir my gifts to growth?

What task of greatness awaits me

that I have long neglected?

[…]

‘I have prepared a place for you,’ says the Lord,

‘that is for you, and only you, to fill. […]

The place I have appointed is where you will be happiest.’

I’m struggling with where that is. I struggle with teaching, with learning the language. I don’t struggle with loving people, which is where I’m happiest. But where should I be doing that? Minnesota? Turkey?

(this post is a bit more vulnerable and open than I’m used to being on this blog. Sorry if it caught anyone off guard)

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Responses

  1. For the record, I love you much.

    Also, wherever you end up is where you’re meant to be. (Helpful, right?)

  2. I like the transparency! You go girl. These are not easy questions.

    • Thanks, Meg! Still struggling with them a bit, but it’s a good struggle.


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